Don’t you just love laxatives?

Sat in a committee meeting with friends and colleagues and I get that cramp which can only mean one thing. I’m sure most of you will know the feeling of diarrhoea from having a stomach bug, now imagine giving it to yourself on purpose. I had to take them, just in case I didn’t get everything out. The cramps come first, then the overwhelming need to go to the loo… If I could just find the right moment to leave. It gets unbearable, I have to go. I wonder why I do this to myself. But I know why. I have to. If I don’t I’ll be fat. Noting is worse than being fat.

I feel so awful about myself. Stupid. Worthless. Fat.

Why can’t I be normal?

So when they bring out the pizza and crisps I binge myself, again. Right in front of them, but they don’t notice. How could they? To everyone around me I’m a normal girl. To those who know (few and far between) I’m dying, killing myself and I can’t stop. Food is my drug. I can’t get rid of it, I’d die. I can’t keep eating it, I’ll end up dead too. Or fat. If I said I didn’t know what one was worse I’d be lying. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’d rather be dead than fat.

Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m fine.
Don’t try and stop me, I’m fine.

I don’t deserve it.
FINE: Fat, Insecure, Not Enough.


6 thoughts on “Don’t you just love laxatives?

  1. berryleigh says:

    It’s awful when it comes at the wrong moments. šŸ˜¦ That hurts so much. I really hope this all will change for you.

  2. I think this is among the most significant information for me.
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  3. Justina says:

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  4. Hello, just wanted to say, I loved this article.
    It was helpful. Keep on posting!

  5. I’m amazed, I must say. Seldom do I come across a blog that’s both educative and amusing, and let me tell you, you’ve hit the nail on the head. The problem is something too few people are speaking intelligently about. Now i’m very happy that I found
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    • bluebulimic says:

      I think the biggest problem I have is knowing how badly I’m treating my body but I can’t stop. Sometimes I wish I could, I’m in therapy, but honestly it’s not working.
      Any questions you have about bulimia or EDNOS let me know šŸ™‚

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